Sheryl Sandberg says ‘Put yourself out there, speak up, you got this’ and Michelle Obama says ‘Know you’re not a failure if that (leaning in) doesn’t work’. Both helpful messages. Depending on one’s personal situation, one is more relevant than the other.
Neither denies that sexism is real. So much leadership literature was either written by men for men and doesn’t even represent a woman’s experience of a workplace, or writes off anyone who calls out sexism: She’s just so negative. She’s a troublemaker. She’s imagining things.
Sigh. How I wish I were imagining things! Upon graduation from engineering I thought ‘sexism is over. I can do this job, no problem, same as anyone else’. It took years of little incidents, comments, sometimes outright absurd situations for me to say hmm this is still happening. It’s real and it’s not ok.
Author NgoziChimamanda calling out the double standards women are up against is particularly satisfying because it nails the feeling I have lived. Listening to social scientists like University of Waterloo social psychology researcher Sonia Kang has the same effect. Talking to the national leadership team from the WinSETTCentre team helps too.
But what to DO with all this insight?? Stay infuriated –> bad for health. Go into denial –> bad for grasp on reality. Leave engineering –> not a great option bc I love what I do. Stay but be bitter –> bad for soul, though I know women who choose this + I don’t blame them. There’s a lot to be infuriated about. It’s a very reasonable response. It just doesn’t work very well for, you know, generally living and thriving and enjoying life.
What I heard this week at GHDspeaks GHD_NAmerica from global leader and inspiring engineering grad Catherine Tobiasinsky was much more inspiring (and health-affirming) though. She didn’t deny she’d been treated unfairly during her career – but it hadn’t affected her success or her confidence at all
Her advice to anyone experiencing sexism in the workplace was to be very explicit in asking for what they mean. Allow a gendered pay gap? No way. That’s illegal. They talk you down? Clarify and turn it into fuel for improvement. See something? Call it out but in a proactive way.
She continued: Be so effective they can’t deny you. Be seen creating undeniable impact and they won’t be able to treat you badly. Be so enthusiastic that you won’t be kept away from new opportunities. Basically, be a force to be reckoned with, a force of nature even, and if anyone tries to mess with you don’t bloody well let them!! (She’s English so though she didn’t use those exact words during the event, I think she might in general).
It feels like a tall order: basically, just be bulletproof. Be tenacious, sure of yourself, unrelenting, and unstoppable. We’re all only human. But it is, I believe, the best option we’ve got.
I think about that scene near the end of the movie Bend It Like Beckham where Jesse’s dad realizes he doesn’t want to hold her back from her love of soccer because he experienced racism back when he wanted to play (cricket). He’d been discouraging her from putting herself out there. He’d been protecting her, the way some engineering mamas I know protect their daughters by steering them away from engineering or STEM careers. So understandable.
So far I feel differently about my own little girl. I agree with Mr Singh: ‘I want her to fight, and I want her to win.’
Ultimately I think each woman’s own personal positive messages collection — the words she lives by and feels most represent her own lived experience — is a great place to start. This work means so much to so many of us. There are so many incredible women I admire so much whose work has led us to where we are now: trail-blazing leaders like Valerie Davidson, Mary Wells, Annette Bergeron, Diane Freeman, Marta Escedi, Nancy Hill, Marisa Sterling, Marilyn Spink, Helen Wojcinski, Nadine Miller, and many others. My generation of female engineers is now standing on your shoulders and you are amazing. I hope we can make you proud with what we do next. Thank you for working so tirelessly to bring us to this place. Thank you for being extraordinary so that we who come after you can be a bit more human.
Thanks too to the men for being great allies. Recently they seem to be feeling that they can help too. Maybe it’s MeToo, maybe it’s the rapid pace of technological change, maybe it’s the general lower tolerance for discrimination in general. Maybe it’s the fact that they have daughters and they want them to have the same opportunities as their sons. Or maybe it’s just time.
Anyway I am grateful for the slow, steady progress I continue to see. Grateful to Chris Hunter, Arthur Sinclair, Gabriel Tse and so many other engineers who have approached me to ask ‘what can I do?’ to encourage women in engineering. Grateful to my Grand River Chapter exec who have welcomed my ideas, collaborated with me, and encouraged me for the last 5 years: Kaoru Yajima, Matt Irvine, Rich Pinder, Kent Percival, Jonathan Velasco and so many others. Another great sign: current top leaders of Professional Engineers Ontario, namely Dave Brown and Bob Dony seem to care about bringing us closer to 30by30. Please don’t stop listening, and asking that question. I’m so glad we are on the same team about this issue. I am so glad you get we were never against you.
Another (very empowering) piece of advice that Ms.Tobiasinsky gave was that if you’re being badly treated, you try to change it, and you can’t, consider leaving. Obvs this isn’t always possible and I have heard arguments that this approach entrenches the problems for WomeninEng.
And especially today, on December 6th, this seemingly simply advice, ‘go where you’re appreciated’ feels kind of comforting and revolutionary. We can, we will, and we are find places in engineering where we belong — where we can thrive and express our true selves and always feel completely safe and at home, in a way that men always have. We’re closer now than we have been before. And we must carry on.
